Torchwood Cables Will Transform Your Audio System with Exclusive Alien Tech


“These shouldn’t exist,” the Doctor.

With materials sourced exclusively from Cardiff, Wales’ Torchwood Institute regulated time and space Rift, Torchwood Cables will enhance your audiophile listening experience with unknown alien technology from many possible futures. The 21st century is when everything changes [in your home audio kit].

Every cable purchase includes a free bottle of “auditory enhancement” pills, Amnesiaphor (side effects may include sudden drowsiness and selective forgetfulness that in no way degrade your audiophile experience or turn you into a psychopathic murdererous pawn of a formerly deceased Torchwood agent). A satisfied customer, “It’s weird, my stereo’s never sounded better and I have no idea why. What? Are you sure? When did I get new interconnects? Oh God, I remember… I remember, Jack.”

Torchwood’s leader, Captain Jack Harkness, explains the peculiarity of the various cables’ construction, “A few months ago we were cleaning up the last of Cardiff’s Cyberman scrap and Gwen dropped an earpiece into this alien liquid/solid sphere Tosh had on her desk. There was an electric blue flash and then nothing. The Cyberman part was suspended in the middle of the liquid and when Gwen took a closer look and breathed on the thing, an audio interconnect slithered out. The alien runes on the jacket glowed and then faded. We’ve tested the conductor and termination plugs and they are definately Cyberman alloy. I don’t like it, but everyone else thinks it’s safe, especially Iantu.”

Torchwood interconnect’s jacket runes glow a calming blue when fed an audio signal keeping a constant charge on the alien dielectric (we haven’t identified the material yet but it measures better than air). The Cyberman alloy’s sonic signature is completely neutral, with no resistance and conductivity that’s off the charts.

Don’t ask what the third cable is for, you’re not ready to know.

Torchwood Institute’s doctor, Owen Harper: “I know many of you feel I don’t take AV kit seriously because I’ve got my plasma set on top of the cardboard box it shipped in, but since I’ve rewired my stereo with these cables, I’ve been listening at home more and shooting my fellow Torchwood agents less.”

Torchwood cables are only available in the U.K. Watch out for them at your local hi-fi shop.

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